Always Accept Compliments

This is one of those things that's probably a pet peeve of mine because I use to do it myself, but I figured I would share what I was told during my performance days.

I've seen this phenomenon a bunch, a performer or presenter gets done, an audience member comes up and says something along the lines of "Great job," the complimented responds with something like:

"Oh I totally screwed up"
"No, I didn't really do anything"
"No, I thought it went awfully"

Invariably there are two things that drive this:

1. The presenter/performer is so caught up in their own self examination, that they are being hyper critical and sharing it with the complementer.

2. The presenter/performer is concerned about the appearance of humility.

Both ignore a greater truth in the interaction: Someone has said something nice to you, and you are immediately telling them they are wrong! Even if they don't directly perceive this, it can leave them with a bad taste in their mouth.

So what do you do? Say "Thank you," that's it. Leave the self examination stuff where it belongs, in your head. If you are concerned with your ego, accept and expand the compliment: "Thank you; I have to say the audience was really great, you guys asked really great questions."

It's a silly little thing, but it can have a big impact on how you are perceived.

May 4, 2008 Posted by Terrence Ryan at 11:52 AM

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Comments

I find myself doing this often -- and try to catch myself. I always start with a thank you, but in an automatic mode (often time, after a long talk you are in a daze anyway), I tend to be down on myself and only take the criticisms (even if they are from myself). It is just one of those things that you learn, I guess!

Posted by: Nick Kwiatkowski at May 4, 2008 6:09 PM

You make a great point, Terrence. That said, I think there's a 3rd reason people may say this to a speaker: when it's true. :-) I've observed occasions where people feel compelled to say "great job" even when, in fact, the speaker did screw up or flounder.

Flipping the script, it's as if some people feel the need to bolster others even when they clearly dropped the ball. (Maybe goes back to childhood experiences: "It's ok dear, mommy was gonna get rid of that old Ming vase anyway. You go out and play.")

So the sad truth is that this confuses the whole issue, and I'd bet that some speakers are savvy to this point, so if they DO feel they messed up, and someone still says "great job", they may be inclined to wonder if it's just vacuous propping up. :-)

That said, I agree that if someone's a) stuck around for the whole session and b) still comes up after and says great job, then they probably do mean it sincerely, and folks should consider your points.

Posted by: charlie arehart at May 5, 2008 8:28 AM

I hear what you're saying, but I would argue that even in that case, you have someone blowing smoke up your ass, you still shouldn't disagree with them. Either you did well or not; either you are capable of determining that for yourself or not. But if an audience member is expressing happiness with you, roll with it. Leave the self-analysis in your head, unless the person is already a friend.

Posted by: Terrence Ryan at May 5, 2008 4:09 PM

Posted by Who at May 15, 2008 9:07 AM